Why Your Aunt Needs a Calm-Down Corner: Thanksgiving Lessons from an Elementary School Cafeteria

As any seasoned elementary school interventionist will tell you, if you can deescalate a lunchtime feud over who skipped whom in the pizza line, you are more than qualified to navigate a Thanksgiving dinner with extended family. The cafeteria is a microcosm of holiday gatherings: the noise level is high, everyone has strong opinions about what's being served, and someone is always on the verge of tears. Except during Thanksgiving, the juice boxes are replaced with wine, and the tantrums come with tax returns and political opinions.

Take, for example, the child who refuses to eat anything that “looks weird” and instead demands a crustless peanut butter sandwich. Now imagine that child is your adult cousin who insists on bringing their own keto-friendly stuffing and then loudly critiques the traditional version for having “too many carbs.” In both cases, it’s not about the stuffing - it’s about control, attention, and the need to feel heard. The best strategy? Validate their feelings without endorsing their behavior. A calm, “That’s an interesting choice,” delivered with the same tone you’d use on a five-year-old attempting to eat Play-Doh, usually does the trick.

Emotional Regulation: A Skill for All Ages

One of the core skills we teach in school-based mental wellness programs is emotional regulation. Children are encouraged to name their feelings, take deep breaths, and use coping strategies like counting to ten or using a calm-down corner. Interestingly, these same tools can be just as effective for adults dealing with emotionally charged family dynamics. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, teaching emotional regulation early in life builds resilience and reduces the likelihood of mental health issues later in life¹.

During Thanksgiving, your aunt might not take kindly to being asked to sit in a calm-down corner, but you can still model self-regulation yourself. Before responding to a provocative comment about your life choices or someone else’s parenting style, take a breath. Channel your inner interventionist. Ask yourself: “Am I responding to the behavior or reacting to the emotion?” And when all else fails, borrow a page from George Costanza and whisper "SERENITY NOW" under your breath like a mantra. It won’t fix the conversation, but it might keep you from throwing a mashed potato-laden spoon across the table.

Attention-Seeking Behaviors, Now With Chardonnay

One of the hallmarks of cafeteria drama is the attention-seeking behavior. Bentley spills his milk “accidentally” for the third time, and suddenly the whole table is watching. Fast forward to Thanksgiving, and it’s Uncle Bob loudly recounting his third divorce or launching into conspiracy theories just as dessert is served. Same tactic, different stakes, and now with a touch of Pinot Grigio.

In the classroom, we manage this by redirecting the child to a task where they can earn positive attention - “Hey Nala, can you help me pass out napkins?” With adults, the redirection may look like changing the subject to a shared memory or asking for help with the dishes. Research shows that positive engagement is a key strategy in behavior management, both for children and adults². The trick is to give them a spotlight without letting them dominate the stage. If you can redirect without escalating, you’ve won the round.

Conflict Resolution for the Stuffing-Stuffed

In my Brooklyn elementary school, we use structured conflict resolution protocols to help students resolve disputes. These include “I” statements, active listening, and mediated dialogue. According to the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL), these strategies have been shown to improve peer relationships and reduce behavioral incidents³. At Thanksgiving, you may not have a peer mediator, but you can still use the same language: "I feel uncomfortable when the conversation gets heated about politics. Can we switch gears?"

Of course, not everyone is ready for emotional maturity after two glasses of wine and a full plate of carbs. Sometimes, the best conflict resolution is strategic withdrawal. In school, we call it a sensory break. At home, it might look like volunteering to walk the dog or checking on the Cowboys score. You’re not avoiding conflict - you’re managing your own emotional bandwidth, which is a critical skill in both personal and professional environments.

Why We Show Up, Even When It’s Hard

Despite the chaos, the spilled gravy, and the unsolicited life advice, we keep showing up for Thanksgiving. Not because it’s easy, but because it matters. Family, like a cafeteria full of kindergartners, is messy and loud and unpredictable. But it’s also a place of connection, tradition, and belonging. The discomfort is part of the package. If you didn’t care, it wouldn’t get under your skin.

So take your interventionist skills to the table this year. Use your deep breaths, your redirections, your inner calm-down corner. And when you finally get to leave, remember to be grateful - not just because you don’t live with all of them, but because one day these crazy moments will become treasured memories. Hug grandpa, laugh at your cousin’s cringe jokes, and maybe even let your uncle win the argument about the turkey brining technique. Because nothing says “I love you” like quietly refilling someone’s wine glass and changing the subject to football.

Bibliography

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 2022. "Promoting Mental Health in Schools." CDC Mental Health Resources. https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/schools/index.htm.

2. Jones, Stephanie M., and Emily J. Doolittle. 2017. "Social and Emotional Learning: Introducing the Issue." The Future of Children 27(1): 3-11. https://www.jstor.org/stable/44219018.

3. Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL). 2023. "SEL: What Are the Core Competencies?" https://casel.org/fundamentals-of-sel/what-is-the-casel-framework/.