Leader, Manager, or Boss? A Reflection on How We Show Up

Today at work we had an extended Leadership “Huddle” where we, as the management team, discussed differences in leadership, management, and being a boss. It reminded me of my own journey in becoming a leader—and the importance of having supportive people around you to help you grow.

I’ve worn all three hats in my career—sometimes all in the same day. At times I’ve led from the front, rolling up my sleeves and modeling courage. Other days I’ve managed behind the scenes, making sure the wheels didn’t fall off. And if I’m being honest, there have been moments I’ve been the “boss”—setting expectations, holding boundaries, and making hard calls that didn’t always feel warm or inspiring.

What’s the difference? And why does it matter?

In mission-driven work—especially in public service, education, and healthcare—how we show up can ripple through teams in ways we may never fully see. Titles are easy to hand out. But leadership? That’s earned in the quiet moments: the hallway conversations, the crisis calls, the steady presence when systems are breaking and people are burning out.

I struggled in my first leadership role. I thought I had to have all the answers. I tried to manage outcomes without properly building relationships. I leaned heavily on systems and authority, thinking that structure alone would earn respect. It didn’t. I wanted to please everyone, and solve everything. That did not work either. Over time—and through mentorship, mistakes, and a lot of reflection—I’ve started to shift. Now, I try to lead with presence, curiosity, and compassion. Most of all, I had to learn to trust myself. I’m still learning. But I take those lessons into every room I walk into today.

The Boss: Power and Position

A “boss” holds authority. They might have a title, a budget, and the ability to say yes or no. Being a boss isn’t inherently bad. Structure matters. Boundaries matter. But when power overshadows purpose, people feel it. The “boss energy” becomes about control, not care. About deadlines, not direction. It creates distance instead of trust.

The Manager: Process and Precision

Managers keep systems running. They ensure compliance, monitor performance, and organize people toward outcomes. Good managers are essential—especially in high-stakes environments where safety and accountability are on the line. But management without humanity can become rigid. We can mistake productivity for progress. And in the pressure to deliver, we sometimes forget to ask how people are really doing.

The Leader: Influence and Integrity

Leadership is a choice—not a role. It shows up in how we listen, how we adapt, how we invest in the people around us. Leaders build bridges. They ask hard questions. They say, “I don’t know, but let’s figure it out together.” True leaders aren’t always in charge—but they always take responsibility for the culture they co-create.

Leadership, I’ve learned, is a posture of service. It’s not about having all the answers. It’s about being willing to hold space for complexity, uncertainty, and growth. And it starts with self-awareness. Am I showing up as the person I needed when I was just starting out? Am I building something sustainable—or just surviving the day?

When We Confuse the Three

We’ve all had a boss who thought they were leading, but left us feeling unseen. Or a manager who kept things moving but never connected the dots. And maybe, if we’re honest, we’ve been that person too—more focused on outcomes than impact.

I’ve learned the hard way that people remember how you made them feel more than what you told them to do. And in systems under pressure, our default mode matters. Are we leading with intention—or reacting from fear?

Lessons Learned: What Experience Has Taught Me

• Titles don’t build trust—behavior does. Leadership isn’t defined by your position; it’s defined by how you show up when no one’s watching.

• You can manage tasks, but you lead people. People aren't checklists—they're humans with hopes, challenges, and stories. Relationship drives results.

• Being “the boss” isn’t bad—but it’s not enough. Authority without empathy creates compliance, not commitment. Lead with both strength and compassion.

• When in doubt, pause and listen. The best insight often comes from the people closest to the work. Leadership starts by listening, not fixing.

• Your presence is your power. Whether you're navigating a crisis or celebrating a win, your calm, consistent presence can shape the tone of an entire team.

• Stay curious.
  Jeffrey Shearer, PhD—a friend, mentor, and author of Beyond the Shiny Object, trauma therapist, sexologist, and mental health advocate—reminds us that healing, connection, and growth begin with curiosity. His work invites us to stay open—to ourselves, to our teams, and to the deeper work beneath the tasks.

Final Reflection

As I keep growing, I try to ask myself: Am I managing? Bossing? Or leading? And what does my team need from me in this moment? 

Today I have a boss who is a leader and comes from a place of support. Due to my past experiences it is often a challenge for me to trust that what I am experiencing is the autonomy to be leader I know I can be. Thanks to the support I receive from him, and from my colleagues, I can continue to grow as a leader and support my team in the best way I can. 

We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to be present, aware, and willing to stay curious.

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