The Strength of Water:  Quieting the Flames of Conflict

Many people say you should fight fire with fire. But if you think about it, this approach only guarantees more fire. Conflict cannot be resolved by pouring on more heat. It is only resolved when one party decides to stop fueling the flames. When both sides refuse to retreat, the conflict becomes an inferno that can burn indefinitely, sometimes lasting for years or even decades.

Among the classical elements are earth, air, fire, and water. Air can spread fire into new directions. Earth can smother parts of it, but embers often remain. Water overwhelms the blaze completely. Applied to human conflict, water represents composure. It is the choice to respond with clarity and strategy instead of raw reaction.

I once spoke with a young woman who asked me if it was ever professional to respond to a colleague’s hostile email with the same rude tone. She admitted that such a reply would not solve the problem, but she believed it might restore her sense of power. I asked her, “If you follow their lead, are you in control, or are they? Ask yourself that.”

The truth is that when you imitate hostility, you allow the other person to dictate the temperature of the exchange. As Pollack Peacebuilding notes, “Remaining calm and composed, using a neutral tone and body language, can shift the dynamic from confrontation to cooperation” (Pollack Peacebuilding Systems, 2023). In other words, composure keeps you in the driver’s seat; escalation hands them the wheel.

Verywell Mind also reminds us, “Address issues quickly, but remain self-regulated and avoid matching the other person’s tone” (Verywell Mind, 2023). Reacting in kind may feel satisfying for a moment, but it undermines resolution.

Cynthia Kane (2020) puts it clearly: “That pause gives you time to calm your nervous system and choose words that are productive instead of destructive.” In that pause lies the power of water: the ability to quiet the flames of conflict.

Six Steps That Helped Me Extinguish the Flame

1. Strip away what distracts from the real issue.

What helped me move past the distraction of words, accusations, or misunderstandings was focusing on the core of the issue. I would listen or read carefully to identify exactly what the other person believed was unjust, unfair, or inaccurate, and I would focus only on that. Everything else was noise. When a match is lit, do not get lost in the colors of the flame. Look at the center. That is what fuels the fire, and that is what needs to be solved.

2. See people for how they feel, not how they sound.

As a school administrator, I sometimes had to diffuse conflicts where someone spoke in a way that did not portray them as their best selves. They were too upset to present themselves calmly. My responsibility was not to define them by the harshness of their words but to hear the words as a reflection of how they felt. They were not the fire they brought into the room; they were human beings in need of understanding.

3. Acknowledge their need to be respected.

Even in heated moments, people want their fire to be seen and respected. They are demanding acknowledgement of their experience. I learned that saying something as simple as, “I can see that this upsets you, and I want us to take time to discuss this,” calms the atmosphere. When people feel seen, they are more willing to listen. This acknowledgment acts like water cooling the environment, so facts, not just feelings, can be discussed.

4. Give yourself time, one way or another.

When responding to an email, one approach that I found especially helpful was to craft my words in a way that diffused tension while still acknowledging the importance of the issue. For example, I would write: “Thank you for expressing your concern about this issue. Although I am not available to discuss this issue now, your concern is important for us to discuss. I am available for a verbal conversation tomorrow. I would like to contact you then.”

This response respects the urgency while giving you space to think. If the meeting is held in person, and you cannot directly ask for time, create it in another way: offer a cup of coffee, fetch a glass of water, excuse yourself to the restroom, or briefly step away to close out another task. That pause steadies you and gives both sides the chance to cool down before continuing.

5. Make sure both of you feel heard.

A single conversation may not solve every problem. What matters is that both of you feel heard and understood. I learned to ask at the close of difficult discussions, “Do you feel heard? Do you feel understood?” This prevents the fire from reigniting later. Even if the issue requires more evidence or a second conversation, acknowledgment ensures that the flame of frustration does not smolder beneath the surface.

6. Reset yourself after it is over.

After difficult conversations, you must release the heat you carried. Call someone you trust so they can help steady your emotions. Take a moment to disconnect by reading something funny or short and interesting, something that changes the channel in your mind. Meditate, or silently ground yourself through a faith-based practice. These acts clear away the ashes so no sparks remain to burn later.

Why Water Is Strongest

Some people thrive on fire. They expect you to mirror their aggression. But water changes the outcome. Calm acknowledgment, respectful boundaries, and controlled timing shift the power back into your hands.

Fire has never extinguished water. In professional life, as in nature, water is strongest.

References

Kane, C. (2020). Conflict resolution tips that really work. Investor’s Business Daily. 

https://www.investors.com/news/management/leaders-and-success/conflict-resolution-tips-that-really-work/

Pollack Peacebuilding Systems. (2023). 7 de escalation skills essential for defusing conflict. https://pollackpeacebuilding.com/blog/de-escalation-skills/

Verywell Mind. (2023). 6 de escalation techniques to diffuse conflict. https://www.verywellmind.com/deescalation-techniques-to-diffuse-conflict-7498049