The Strength of Water:  Quieting the Flames of Conflict

Many people say you should fight fire with fire. But if you think about it, this approach only guarantees more fire. Conflict cannot be resolved by pouring on more heat. It is only resolved when one party decides to stop fueling the flames. When both sides refuse to retreat, the conflict becomes an inferno that can burn indefinitely, sometimes lasting for years or even decades.

Among the classical elements are earth, air, fire, and water. Air can spread fire into new directions. Earth can smother parts of it, but embers often remain. Water overwhelms the blaze completely. Applied to human conflict, water represents composure. It is the choice to respond with clarity and strategy instead of raw reaction.

I once spoke with a young woman who asked me if it was ever professional to respond to a colleague’s hostile email with the same rude tone. She admitted that such a reply would not solve the problem, but she believed it might restore her sense of power. I asked her, “If you follow their lead, are you in control, or are they? Ask yourself that.”

The truth is that when you imitate hostility, you allow the other person to dictate the temperature of the exchange. As Pollack Peacebuilding notes, “Remaining calm and composed, using a neutral tone and body language, can shift the dynamic from confrontation to cooperation” (Pollack Peacebuilding Systems, 2023). In other words, composure keeps you in the driver’s seat; escalation hands them the wheel.

Verywell Mind also reminds us, “Address issues quickly, but remain self-regulated and avoid matching the other person’s tone” (Verywell Mind, 2023). Reacting in kind may feel satisfying for a moment, but it undermines resolution.

Cynthia Kane (2020) puts it clearly: “That pause gives you time to calm your nervous system and choose words that are productive instead of destructive.” In that pause lies the power of water: the ability to quiet the flames of conflict.

Six Steps That Helped Me Extinguish the Flame

1. Strip away what distracts from the real issue.

What helped me move past the distraction of words, accusations, or misunderstandings was focusing on the core of the issue. I would listen or read carefully to identify exactly what the other person believed was unjust, unfair, or inaccurate, and I would focus only on that. Everything else was noise. When a match is lit, do not get lost in the colors of the flame. Look at the center. That is what fuels the fire, and that is what needs to be solved.